I have been sitting at my computer for over 30 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my mind and I am struggling to compose them into a coherent post. I struggle putting too many of my emotions out there for the scrutiny of other. I shouldn't care so much about what other people think, and I need this recorded for my children. So here I go... When my sweet little Evie was born and we found out how difficult her life was going to be I decided then and there that I was DONE having children. Her pregnancy was hands down the most difficult I have had: so sick that there were multiple trips to the hospital to receive fluids, trips to the hospital for early labor, a separating bone that caused so much pain but couldn't be helped by anything, bed rest, etc. And then almost from the day she was born it was more hospitals and more difficulties. I figured that was about all I could handle, getting children here hadn't been the easiest for us anyways. Yes, I know others struggle more, but I have had 9 pregnancies. To loose that many and not just at the beginning, but into my second trimester, was not easy. So, I counted my blessings that I was able to have 4 wonderful children. (Not to mention how EVERYONE seemed to tell me it would be irresponsible to have more when Evelyn needed so much care.) Fast forward to January. Nate tells me he keeps feeling like we have one more and that we need to start trying to have another baby now. I looked at him like he was crazy. I am the one who gets those promptings and has to convince HIM! I said no. A day later he brings it up again. I reminded him that Evelyn was needing another surgery sometime between December and February and if we started trying that was when the baby would be due. He suggested we pray about it. We did. I ignored it. Then we prayed some more and fasted. (I have to mention that another HUGE reason I was NOT thinking of more was because I have several people very close to me, one being my dear sister, who have been unable to have one of their own and have been going through the most awful heartbreaks trying to conceive just once. I couldn't have another one until they had one of their own.) During this time I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I needed to have more faith and trust in the Lord. He is in control and He knows what is best for my family. As I had these impressions I half jokingly said in my prayer that OK, I would try, and if I got pregnant than Evelyn's heart would have to be fixed because I could NOT do another open heart surgery. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got after that. It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no and that surprised me. I decided I had better trust a little more and show my faith. I went off birth control and was pregnant the next month.
I thought for sure it wouldn't last, I have NEVER gotten pregnant right away and I have ALWAYS had at least one miscarriage in between each child. Then the nausea started. I have been almost as sick as I was with Evelyn, almost. I just kept waiting for the inevitable. But it hasn't come. I am about 12 weeks now and so far so good. Now why am I finally telling this story? That would be because of Friday. Last Friday we went in for Evie's big heart appointment where they were going to decide on a date for her next surgery. After an hour and a half of imaging and testing I sat in the office with her Cardiologist telling me that by some miracle my babies heart has all of the sudden started healing itself and the large holes that were there months ago are tiny pin pricks now. That instead of her being in moderate heart failure, she is not in heart failure at all and can stop ALL her medications. She smiled as she said, "Evelyn will NOT need any future surgeries as far as we can tell today." She does still have some issues, but they fully expect them to resolve themselves. IF she ever has complications from what remains, it is YEARS down the road and NOT likely. I started crying. I was so overwhelmed and so amazed that I can't even explain in words the emotions that have been going through me since Friday. Now, some may say it is a coincidence and still call me reckless and irresponsible for getting pregnant before knowing that Evelyn would be OK, but I beg to differ. It doesn't matter to me what those people think or feel about it, I know and that is all that matters. My children know, they fasted and prayed right along side Nate and me. Even though this past few years have been tough, the miracles and lessons on faith that our family have experience are invaluable and indescribable.
My baby will only ever have this scar to deal with.
She can grow and be a normal baby from now on.
And now we can prepare for our family to grow again.
We really are all thrilled to be having another baby. It has been hard. I have been so sick for the last two months. But as always, my amazing children have picked up my slack. Luke gets Evie up every morning and feeds her and watches her so I can sleep a little longer. They all help take care of her and help with the chores around the house. I had been throwing up so much that Gabby decided on last fast Sunday that she would fast for me to feel better. You know what?! I have only thrown up a handful of times since then instead of several times a day! And she didn't even tell me she was doing it until after church. It amazes me the way everyone can grow during trials. I hope all these jumbled words make some sense. I just knew I needed to record this amazing experience so that I never forget the lesson I learned from it. It isn't the same for everyone. No two people are the same and no experience is the same for anyone. But this is what it is for our family. As I read over the words I wrote, I know it doesn't do it justice. But this is my families journal and this is something we will never forget.
