The First Week

My Sweet little Evelyn is now a week old. When I held her in my arms a week ago I had no idea what the next few days would entail. I thought all my worries were behind me, thought it was finally all over and I could now finally enjoy my perfect little baby. Then I hear words like VSD, open heart surgery and congestive heart failure. I couldn't make sense of what was going on and felt like I was trapped in a bad dream. But I am finally starting to come to grips with the reality of things and it is starting to sink in that this is for real. My precious baby girl was born with a hole in her heart. Actually 2 holes, but they are fairly certain that the one in the upper chamber will close in time. However she has a rather sizable hole in between the lower chambers and because of it's location it will not heal on its own. Left unchecked she would go into heart failure among other things. She is not big enough or strong enough right now, so they have to wait a few months before they can do the surgery. Now, I know everything will be ok. Everyone keeps saying how once the surgery is done she shouldn't have any problems and that this happens all the time. I understand that, but it also isn't as if my baby is just going in to have an ingrown toenail fixed. This is OPEN HEART SURGERY and she is MY baby! Until she has her surgery I have to watch her like a hawk for signs that she is going into congestive heart failure and make weekly trips to the cardiologists. She will likely have to stop breastfeeding because the strain it puts on her heart could become too much. She risks loosing weight and being unable to gain on her own. We can"t let her cry or get worked up because of the strain it would put on her heart, she could start having breathing problems, etc. There is so much that we have to worry and watch for from now until she has this major surgery. And then they are going to cut my tiny little baby open and work on her tiny little heart. It has been a rough few days. I have been coming to some realizations through all of this though. For one, it seemed so crazy to me how we came to match here. So obvious that the Lord sent us here, but why? Well Cleveland Clinic just happens to be the #1 hospital in the nation for cardiac care and heart surgery. I can take comfort in knowing that my baby is in the best hands this nation has to offer for this surgery. I am grateful beyond words for that. Also I wondered why we had to wait so long to have this baby, why we had so many problems getting her here. I wouldn't have been here near this hospital before, also now I have 3 very independent and helpful children that I won't have to worry about as much while trying to care for Evie and for the 5 or so days that she will be in the hospital after the surgery. Then there is why I had to come late, I was so uncomfortable and ready to have her, but had she not stayed in to cook longer she may not have been strong enough to make it through labor as well as she did. It is amazing to me to see just how thoroughly the Lords hand is in every aspect of my life. I am terrified about the next several months and I get overwhelmed by my emotions at times, but I do know that Lord is watching over us. I trust in Him. I hate the thought of seeing this beautiful little girl having to suffer, but I know that with the Lords help we can make it through this.